Tuesday, May 1, 2012

and then they cut off my foot…

So yesterday was FUN. UGH, I had an appointment for noon to see an orthopedic surgeon. I have this huge lump on my right ankle (to give you a visual - think of a golf ball right behind the ball of your ankle.) Anyway I get a call at 9:30am, waking me up mind you (don’t judge, having the whole family sleep in like this is a rare treat), saying that the Dr. is coming in sooner and they want to move up my appointment. (SWEET!)

I drag my tired ass out of bed and get the kids, hubby and I ready and out the door by 10am. I get there at 10:30, the waiting room is packed... everyone else got the same call as me. We are told that the Dr. is on his way sorry he is running late. After 30 minutes the children are getting antsy so Daddy takes them to the library and leaves me behind. Why did I bring them along you ask? I don’t drive and this appointment I was told would last 15 minutes tops and then we would head to breakfast.

The doctor doesn’t show until noon, (see original appointment time) Gee thanks! I'm not seen until close to 1pm. Where my basic consultation takes a scary, silly and slightly disturbed turn –

Firstly the nurse is a creeper, but it’s ok because he is hot. He takes my medical history you know all the basic medical history questions, cancer – no, diabetes- no, etc.…. Depression - yes. Do you take anything for it? - Not really, it’s prescribed, but I’m managing without it. (Hey, I’m honest). He gives me a funny look and then moves on. I didn’t think anything of it.

Nurse Hottie then struggles to take my blood pressure. Not really his fault, but funny all the same. He first tries to use a blood pressure cup that looks like it would fit a small child. I’m at this point thinking to myself, Hey hunky nurse (seriously he has nothing on those doctors from Greys Anatomy) that is probably not going to fit properly on my rather large arm. Bless him he tries but soon gives up and tries to take my pulse on my wrist. First the left arm, then he tries my right.

At this point I’m having silly vampire thoughts – That’s right hunky, you’re not going to find it. I’m a vampire. Care to be the Bella to my Edward? After about 5 minutes he finally manages to find my pulse and gets his data, and then he tells me to just relax for a few minutes. Um ok, I was relaxed, I was busy thinking how sexy your eyes and hair are. (Hubby if you’re reading this don’t be sad. I love you and your sexy too, but how often does a girl get to be in the same room as a god?)

At this point the nurse usually leaves the room and your stuck waiting forever for the Doctor to come in, but Nurse Hottie is sticking around. Hum, and staring at me. Not the ‘sweet he likes you’ stare either, but the ‘is she going to get up and stab me’ stare. That’s when I remember the depression question. Thanks Nurse Hottie, and I was just starting to like you. By the way I’m pretty sure I could take you if I really wanted to hurt myself with the roll of paper towels on the counter. He tries not to stare at me, I try not to stare at him, and no one talks. AWKWARD! Finally he says ok and then leaves. Bye, I forgive you, but just because you’re hot.

The Dr. FINALLY comes in a few minutes later takes a five second look at my ankle and tells me I have a huge cyst due to trauma on my ankle joint. He then slices it open to drain it. Oh My Goodness -  No Warning, and more importantly no pain killers. I almost passed out! I am the biggest chicken when it comes to pain. In other words - he actually made a small incision and jabs a huge needle (no exaggerating here, it was huge) into it, draining the cyst and then I had x-rays and could leave. In Crazy Oh My God the pain, speak – He cut my foot off and I had to hobble down the hall way dripping blood to the x-ray room. (seriously I did leave a blood trail, I should have at least gotten a band- aid.) I’ll more than likely die from blood loss.

The end result the cyst will more than likely never go away and I get to repeat this torture every month. Kill me now.

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